Alternative Family Building with Julia Howell
By: Jess Gardiner
One thing that nearly every fertility patient will agree on is that this community is rooted in sharing stories, supporting one another by showing that they really aren’t alone, and connecting on a shared, deeper level, no matter what stage of the journey each person is in. Infertility may be spoken about in hushed tones, but the community struggling through it is built on sharing and connection, which is what brings Julia Howell here with us today. Our host of Her Helping Habit on Air, Jess, had the pleasure of having a conversation with Julia about her path to motherhood and how she supports others as they grow their own families. From adoption to surrogacy, Julia tells us how she found passion in her own experiences that pushed her into the career she’s devoted her life to, and what values she has held true to along the way.
Julia’s story
Julia was born to be a mom. She was always taking care of others in one way or another, and her and her husband stopped preventing pregnancy right after getting married. After 12 months of no success, she spoke to her family doctor who then referred her to fertility. After undergoing the slew of testing, Julia now had the ever-so-frustrating diagnosis of ‘unexplained infertility’.
Here begins what she calls ‘The Amazing Race for Fertility.’ For 4 years, Julia found herself racing into downtown Toronto in the early hours of the morning to get in line for ultrasound scans and blood draws, seeing faces become familiar over time, and then hoping it meant that they were pregnant when they were no longer in line beside her. Looking back to when she was “in the thick of it”, the stress of it all was the most uncondusive environment for trying to conceive, that it was likely a contributor to the ‘unexplained’ aspect!
At 4.5 years into her journey, Julia went as far as IUI, for which her physicians had a lot of hope for success, which ultimately made the disappointment that much harder when it was unsuccessful. It was at the point that Julia was feeling very tapped out with her body, critiquing every twinge she felt, exhausting herself over the timing of everything.
“The goal was always to become a mother, not so much to be pregnant.”
After a pap result with some precancerous cells, Julia underwent a biopsy and annual paps for a handful of years, which thankfully did not progress further and resolved. This led her though to consider a path to motherhood which did not necessarily include her own body. She opened herself up to non-biological motherhood at first through fostering, and then adopted her first daughter, officially making Julia a Mom.
“Once I had achieved motherhood, the idea of a genetic child was on the back burner of my brain.” No longer focusing on her body and hormonal treatment, Julia went on to achieve natural conception, leaving her utterly in shock! This pregnancy sadly ended at 9 weeks, however 5 months later, Julia was again looking at a positive pregnancy test! This pregnancy would go on to become her second daughter.
“If there is an actual human that comes of this, and my body does the thing that I’ve been wanting it to do for so long, then I knew I wanted to try to do it for somebody else and as many times as I could.”
Julia ultimately went on to experience a total of 7 years of infertility, 1 adoption, 6 pregnancies, 1 pregnancy loss, 2 bio babies, and 3 surro babies. This is the story that drives her passion into her work and supporting others as they are facing this chapter that no one ever expects to.
“Even when I felt horrible, I was so grateful to have felt horrible!”
A big question that people considering donor gametes tend to have is how they will explain it to their children one day. How have you shared your story with your own kids? How do you guide others as they envision doing the same with their future children?
From the surrogate standpoint, there is the question of ‘how will I explain what I’m doing to my kids? Will they understand that this baby doesn’t belong to our family?’ From the parent's standpoint, there is also the question of ‘what if this hurts our relationship? Will they still see me as their parent?’ Julia puts minds at ease by reminding us that children are easy and understand the world around them simply. If someone needs help, you help them. That’s really all it comes down to, and all it needs to come down to! When children grow up with the knowledge of ‘how something is’, it isn’t world-shattering to them, it’s simply just how their world has always been.
Julia shares that with her family’s experience with adoption, this had already opened the door to the mindset of “Just because I grew you doesn’t mean I am your mom, and just because I didn’t grow you doesn’t mean I’m not your mom,” so once she began her surrogacy journey, it was a pretty easy idea for her children to understand.
Disclosing to your children also honors their genetics and heritage, and teaches them that they can still be proud of it, even if it did not come from their parents. It takes away any shame, because children don’t know what they should or should not be ashamed of. This is simply who they are, and they have the ability to embrace it with your support.
What kind of support do you provide to individuals and couples going through their own journeys? If someone is not sure of what kind of support they need, how do you usually start?
Julia meets people wherever they are at in their journey after they have matched with their donor or surrogate, and helps them fill in the missing pieces, whether that’s legal, psych, or if they all just need a little extra support throughout the process.
After acting as the Director of Client Care for Canada’s first surrogacy agency, and then co-owning her own agency after that, Julia felt that she was misaligned with the industry’s ethics and values, and chose to take a step back from the agency dynamic in order to provide the support that she felt was the most ethical, and the most needed.
What have you found the most surprising when supporting people undergoing fertility treatment?
People underestimate how much fertility treatment and struggling with infertility changes you as a person and all of the relationships in your life. There is a lot of grief and a lot of loss that comes alongside a fertility journey; things like friendships, employment, and routines can become too difficult to maintain. The circle of people surrounding you will likely change, but you also have this incredible opportunity to create this team, village, support network, whatever term you’re most comfortable with using, that will carry you through the most difficult stages of your life.
If you had one piece of advice for someone entering the Fertility Frontier, be it a potential donor, surrogate, or someone undergoing their own treatment, what would you want them to know as they step into their journey?
Deep breath, there’s going to be a ton of information. You are about to learn so much, and some days will be harder than others, but there will always be a goal and a process.
“Remain optimistic without expectation.”
Everyone’s goal throughout this process is to make someone a parent. Whether you’re the person going through treatment, a donor or surrogate, a doctor or nurse, our goal is simple: to grow a family. We can’t control everything, we can’t anticipate every outcome. What we can control is how we approach the situation and how we speak to ourselves throughout that process.
Bios
Julia Howell is an Alternative Family Building Coach, whose work is rooted in advocacy, education, and informed decision-making. She has supported hundreds of journeys throughout her career across Canada and internationally, including her roles as Director of Client Care at Canada’s first surrogacy agency, and as co-owner of her own agency, before progressing to her independent support work to allow for greater freedom of voice, stronger advocacy, and more personalized care.
Find Julia Howell online here:
Email: curveballconsulting2025@gmail.com
LinkedIn: Julia Howell
Jess Gardiner is an Egg & Embryo Donation Coordinator who is passionate about education and advocacy in the world of infertility. She shares this passion in an effort to beat the stigma surrounding infertility and make resources available to everyone, no matter where they are in their journey. Book a free consultation and learn how Jess can help guide you through the fertility frontier!